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[01 Jul 2008|11:59am] |
My grandfather passed away Friday, the very day we left to come back to Milwaukee for a brief period for work and my brother's test. Cool. I foudn this out after I got off work at 3 pm Saturday, and then went to a wedding shortly afterwards. And then I went to Frank's and got drunk.
In two weeks I will have gone to three weddings and a funeral, and, despite the similarity to the movie, Hugh Grant will sadly not have been involved in any of it. Ironically enough I tried watching a movie called Death at a Funeral but didn't go through it at all. There are a lot of strange and conflicting emotions going for me right now, and I am torn between my desire to properly mourn with my family and my need to move on with my life that is impressed upon everyone by the demands of modern society. At the same time I still feel this very sort of epic Marquezian (Marquez-esque?) vibe to the whole process. I wish I had a laptop so I could sit down and do some writing about some of this but I don't. My life is Winona Ryder's in Reality Bites. I should get a gas card. And go to a psychic.
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[24 Jun 2008|08:50pm] |
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Also I hate ev erything and miss Capote and wish I had him with me.
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[23 Jun 2008|11:28pm] |
My grandfather suffered a massive stroke Saturday night which has left him without the ability to talk to or really move at all. His right side is completely paralyzed, and he can barely move his head and left arm. He keeps looking out of his room, and I can't tell if he's looking for someone or trying to get the fuck out of there. I think one of the most awful parts of this whole thing was being in the room as they tried to get some blood samples and cultures, and, even though he has not made any noise or said a word, he moaned/yelped in pain like a child. He will hold your hand and squeeze it but I don't know if that is because he is trying to get us to help him leave or because he just wants to the comfort of having his hand held.
I wish this whole thing would just end. I don't care how terrible that sounds. It can't be much worst when he dies because I'm starting to forget the man he used to be. I mean, what is the point? WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS? He can't talk or move, doesn't know what's going on, I really don't think he knows who we are, so tell me, why is he here? Why can't he be here like he used to be? Why can't he be going on a million walks a day and breaking sugar cubes into tiny pieces to drink with his tea? I don't even remember anymore how he talked when he was alright. My memory of him has been warped by the last two years of alzheimers (thanks you fucking right wing ignorant fascist assholes that stop stem cell research) and UGH. This fucking SUCKS. There is nothing else to say. This fucking sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks.
And this should really overshadow some of my own personal problems but it hightens them because I want to know where is my fuckign shoulder to cry on? Ironically enough, I started watching Six Feet Under last night, and even the fucking neurotic closeted gay brother has a shoulder to cry on.
I am angry at my grandfather for going like this I am angry at life for letting this happen to him I am angry at Idiot for inadvertantly taking advantage of my feelings I am angry that after this time and emotion I have stupidly invested I still feel alone I am angry at myself for even thinking of this right now.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I feel nauseated and tired and my eyes are puffy. I want to show up at my grandparents' house and see my grandfather mowing the lawn, and I want to sleep on their couch and wake up early because he started watching tv and doing his exercises at 6 in the morning. I wish I was about to take a shower and my mom was yelling at me to hurry up because he wanted to leave earlier to go to Crown Center and goddammit.
DASH IT ALL.
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[28 May 2008|03:21pm] |
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I, Sanam Tala Sadeghi, at the age of 22 yrs and exactly 6 months, have had my SECOND kidney stone this morning. What the hell.
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[27 May 2008|11:38pm] |
the girl with the pack of cigarettes
the girl with the flowers in her hand
(flowers in her hand)
(flowers in her hair)
(flowers in her heart)
the girl with the exploding heart
the pieces all stay in her chest
(too many places to go, it's easier to stay put)
so here's to that girl
here's to the boy with the baby camel eyelashes
ride it cowgirl, all honky tonk and star spangled banner
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[26 May 2008|10:35am] |
I recently adopted the bestest cat ever. His name is Capote and he always wants to snuggle. I was planning on waiting to get a cat but I met him and needed to get him right away. He's pretty much amazing. He doesn't scratch, knock things over, bite, or act snooty.
Anyways, I'm done with school, working at Beans, hopefully doing Public Allies in the fall and...? Who knows.
I'm in a very confusing situation because generally actions speak louder than words, but in this situation it's not so much general actions as it is mannerisms and a feeling I get that speaks volumes.
I'm in Kansas City right now, and I need to go to a chiropractor rulll bad because my hips are not alligned and my arthritis is getting worse and worse.
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[15 May 2008|05:25pm] |
HAHAHA OH MY GOD I TOTALLY DIDN'T TURN IN MY FINAL PAPER FOR MY DYSTOPIAN LIT CLASS AND MY PROFESSOR DIDN'T PENALIZE ME FOR IT! HOLY SHIT! YES! THAT IS WHY DR. BOLY IS THE BESTEST EVER. FUCK YES.
I'm thinking he assumed that I was a second semester senior, stressed out, and burned out, and he is a scholar and a gentleman and I wish him nothing but the best ever in everything and oh my god my life is awesome. FUCK. YES.
Surprisingly my film class grade was subpar which is annoying because I was excellent in that class, but Dr. Guilespie likes papers in a way that I've never had to write them so guh.
WHATEVER. HAHA OH MY GOD. I AM SO HAPPY EVEN THOUGH IT IS ONLY 55 DEGREES IN MAY AND ALL MEN ARE PIGS AND IT IS CLOUDY OUTSIDE.
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| Oh my god he is so cute I might vomit. |
[03 May 2008|03:55pm] |
Giant parsley or Golden rods towered over us
(where was the caterpillar?)
rising blue waves and blinking rollercoaster lights
Odysseus and Osmandeus watching over us all
a ghost town playground and tea party garden
listened to birds wake up and gather their worms
on a slanted roof where a friend didn't die
valiente
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[29 Apr 2008|02:48pm] |
It's enormously annoying that I like you. Beyond annoying. This is stupid.
I'm gay.
Um, I'm graduating in like two weeks.
Hopefully I might have the option of two jobs? If both of them work out I don't know which one I'd pick. I guess it depends on if I can start the Americorps program early, and if the other one is a salary position with health insurance and stuff.
God this fucking weird. I have to worry about health insurance. When did that happen?
When did I lose myself? I found most of me, just a few more things left.
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[23 Apr 2008|04:31pm] |
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Coughlin Hall. It's probably one of the most "college" buildings on campus. To me, anyways. It's the building that houses the Theology, Philosophy, and English departments; it's brown and strangely "L" shaped, the tiles inside the bathrooms are tan, puke green, and brown, and most of the furniture looks like it's from the seventies (think guacamole green carpet material seats). There are a few kind of random entrances/exits, one of which is this sort of secret one that opens up to a stairwell that curves up and at each floor there is an entrance that lets you in to the main hall. A lot of the professors have funny or interesting articles, pictures, or signs on their doors, and one wall of the more or less 8x8 office is dedicated to an impressive book collection that is probably pales in comparison to what they have at their houses. Although I think my favorite "office" belongs to Dr. Sullivan in Lalumiere, which is the Foreign Language and Anthropology building. Dr. Sullivan is probably one of the best professors I've had, and my very first day of college ever he walked into class with a brown leather briefcase, khaki pants, a collared shirt, bow tie, and jacket. He's somewhat short, has tannish white hair and a great beard. I was pretty stoked. His office is essentially this big room that has shelves of bones and tools and other artifacts, and there are tables that are similarily covered. I had a cigarette with him outside one day, and that was bizarre and kind of cool.
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[20 Apr 2008|10:28pm] |
Gah! I'm really frustrated with life, my lack of motivation for school work, my lack of a solid job (for the moment), and a few other choice matters. I really want to sit aroudn and craft and make jewelery and things with felt but I can't because I have other work to do.
My wallet is lost, which means I have no Upass, school id, license, or social security card. COOL. As I don't have a car and I am sans bike, seeing as it was stolen in the fall, this is really frustrating because I have no means of transportation now. I have a million things to do tomorrow and tuesday and gah! I just wish I didn't have school work. Everything else would fall into place, but alas just a few more weeks. Essentially by the end of Tuesday I will be halfway through the stuff I need to do.
I'm kind of confused about things and I don't really know if I am being to understanding, not understanding enough, or if it is what it is at face value.
I am making Schrute Shirts. I am enamored by Rainn Wilson.
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[14 Apr 2008|08:12pm] |
I have a date with a boy that looks like Dwight Schrute and I think he is extremely adorable. I have also met a few other nice guys that seem like they would be pretty cool to hang out with.
I have a job interview at Anthropologie.
I have a few non profit related jobs lined up, including working through Americorps at the 16th Street Clinic, and being in charge (!!!) of marketing and fundraising at another non-profit.
I am selling flower hair accessories under the name The Fabric Garden at Fasten, and will also be volunteering there a couple times a month. People have been reacting really well to them when I or other people wear them out and about. Add the msypace!! www.myspace.com/thefabricgarden
All the possibilities of my life are fucking exploding and it is fucking amazing and I am extremely stoked.
Now if I could only get through this semester. One month! HOLY SHIT I AM GRADUATING. It's weird. The other day, the fact that my brother has facial hair and the fact that I'm graduating really struck me as fucking bizarre. Saba! has facial hair. He has a beard. He is turning 21 in a week. I remember when I was TALLER than him. That was approximately 10 or 11 years ago. I am 5'4". He was shorter than that. Now everyone who meets him feels the need to tell me how hot he is. (Which, frankly, makes the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend really weird, but I digress.)
Crucial brodown with the dad today.
I also decided that upong moving back to spain it would be cool to get a job at Funiversal, the travel agency that was geared towards students studying abroad. I think I'd have a good chance at it seeing as I have travelled a decent amount, am young and hip (hah!) and used their services myself. I wonder if any of the same people will still be there. Like the travel agent I had a crush on. Haha. Anyways.
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| ay, tantos guapos |
[08 Apr 2008|09:28am] |
oh darling there's a place for us
can we go
before I turn to dust
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| send me a postcard darling |
[07 Apr 2008|01:08pm] |
I want to know you're all mine
now,
now, please don't let me down
ain't no lover like me in town
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[06 Apr 2008|09:50pm] |
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Whatever.
It's cool.
I'm going to be up all night doing something I should have done way before. Fuck me.
I have one month left till I'm done for a while.
You're stupid.
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| un dulce recuerdo que lloro otra vez |
[31 Mar 2008|12:41pm] |
I feel like my post grad plans keep changing, but last night Ghazal and I came to a conclusion that pretty much satisfied everything that needs to happen.
I think I'm going to get a job and work (hopefully) at a spanish community center or something, and then after NYE, make my return to Spain. I know I have mentioned being elsewhere other than Madrid, but the more I think about it I can't imagine living anywhere else. I left right as I got comfortable; I have unfinished business there. I really want to go back and really experience everything I wanted to but didn't, and become more proficient. The problem with my spanish is that, while it is fairly good, the speed of native speakers is still an obstacle for me, so hopefully a year with only one friend will force me to become better. I'm kind of scared, but I don't think I will miss anything that won't be here waiting for me when I get back. I'll miss my family and friends a lot but I need to put myself in this position so I can become more independent and stronger. If I don't do this now I never will and I have to do it. I would regret for the rest of my life not going back to Spain. Travelling will be easier their. I wanted to go to Iran this fall, but I think I will stay and work and save money till I leave, and figure out going to Iran while in Spain or before I leave. Business venture postponed till my return. This is the only thing that makes sense and allows me to do all the things I need and want to do.
Hi dad.
I can't think of a name for my felt and fabric flowers. We had an impromptu photoshoot Saturday night and it was awesome and I'm super stoked about selling the flowers. I can't wait till I see somebody I don't know wearing one.
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[12 Mar 2008|04:13pm] |
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I have bangs???!
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